Agony Uncle returns

I don’t know whether you like my agony uncle blogs, so maybe I should get some feedback. Those of you who do like it, thank you, and those of you who don’t, can shut the hell up. I’m going to write them anyway. I really need to vent my thoughts when I get them, otherwise I’ll go crazy.

So here’s a letter and answer I saw for an agony page. When I read it, I was so angry I walked over to my TV and punched a hole right through it. My hand is bleeding all over my keyboard. My dads in the car waiting for me so he can take me to casualty, but I have to write this blog before I forget it. I’ll be quick…

Dear X,

My girlfriend left me for her gym instructor. I know she had great sex with him because I overheard other men in the changing room saying how well endowed he is.

Now she’s begging me to take her back as he’s dull and shallow. But how can I ever compare to him?

X’s Answer:

You already compare very favourable. She’s seen him in his true colours and he doesn’t match up to you.

It’s true some men have big penises but the measurement isn’t a guide to virility. Big isn’t the same as satisfaction and it looks like you’re the one capable of delivering what she wants.

NO NO NO FUCKING NO.

I don’t know who I’m more angry at. The dick-head who wrote the letter, or the moron who gave such a retarded reply to it. I’m gonna start with the guy.

Dear the guy,

YOU SHIT-FACED-NO-GOOD-LOW-SELF-ESTEEMED-MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course you shouldn’t take your girlfriend back. That’s a fucking no-brainer. Why you are even considering it is beyond logic. She cheated on you, left you for a guy with a bigger penis, and then comes back to you once she's bored. And like some dog, your gonna accept her back, and think “Ohh poor me, I can’t compare”. Boo-Hoo. Get some fucking balls, dump this chick, and go get another one. Man, do I really have to explain that kind of stuff to you? Honestly, it seems like common sense to me.

I’m guessing you have a slight retarded nature.

Dear X,

How the fuck did you get to your position??. It really baffles me how you get paid to deliver this shitness *throws the article onto the floor*. I mean, you actually say…(I’m gonna need to pick the article up to quote it…But I’m still angry!)…You already compare favourably. So the fuck what?!. She had to CHEAT ON HIM to find that out.

Personally, when I get a girl, Her thoughts will look like this:

OMFG, I never realised Kel was so amazing. He is probably the best boyfriend…No, the best PERSON I have ever met in my entire life. But my goodness, that gym instructor…Oh wait, I better not, Kel may be listening to my thoughts…
…YOUR DAMN RIGHT BITCH. *Kel stabs the bitch in the jaw with a kebab skewer* The fuck are you doing thinking about another man? You hoe…
OMG OMG OMG I’M SO SORRY! OWWWWWWW MY JAW
You better fucking be sorry. *Takes the skewer out of her jaw*
I AM! Allow me to show my apology by getting naked and cooking for you. I’m so so sorry master, I really am worth nothing.

Because, that’s how all relationships work…right?

The only way you are ever going to match up to this guy, is if you double the size of your penis and become a bastard.

Because at the end of the day, women don’t want nice, small endowed men. They want dick-heads that mistreat them, and have unnaturally large genitallia. It’s a fact of life.

So its up to boys like you (and indeed me. I am also a nice guy like this gentleman) to find the most stupid, shallow, immature, passive girls we can to control… I mean date…. It’s nature. That’s how things are meant to work.

And to the woman:

You dumbass. You stupid, stupid girl. I hope you caught a disease from this "gym instructor", and you die a slow, painful death, for the sake of your ex, any future boyfriends, and Mankind in general.

Obviously someone is yet to explain this to you, but that’s why I’m here!

I hope that not only the sender and receiver of that letter can learn something from this blog, but also you, The People.