Dear,

The girls of msn/msn spaces/and the web in general. 99% of you make me physically sick. You really need to change your ways. There’s so much your doing wrong, it’s almost impossible for me to lay it all out for you, but I will try;

• Please, for the love of god, don’t put “Sexy” anywhere in your names. I can assure you, you are not sexy. Boys only tell you you are because it betters their chances of sleeping with you. Somebody should inform them you would give it up even with the smallest amount of attention from a boy.
• Don’t post pictures. Is that too much to ask? One time I was searching msn spaces with the word “sexy” (immature I know, but hey, I’m a man) and I swear to god, some of these women were so repulsive I vomited all over my keyboard. The first time I did it, I cleaned my keyboard up, but 10 seconds later I vomited all over it again. So I left it dirty, and kept topping it up every now and again with my regurgitated lunch. Thanks to you girls, most of my keys don’t work. I’m writing this by coping words from the Internet and pasting them in here. Are you happy now?
• Get some fucking hobbies. I swear to god if I read one more list of things a girl “lyks” or “h8s” I’m going to shoot a baby. Or a very small adult. Here are some of the genius likes/dislikes I’ve seen:

Likes:
-My bf. No shit? You LIKE your boyfriend? Here I am thinking people who go out hate each other’s guts
- Goin out wiv frends an havin a laff. I have no fucking idea what that says.
- Sleeping. You like sleeping? I don’t. Sometimes I slap myself in the face for hours at a time, just so I can stay awake. Sleep sucks.

Dislikes:

- School. Holy shit, you hate school? How fucking amazingly original of you
- Rude people. Oh really? Cos the rest of us just love people who piss us off
- Getting up early. Again, how fucking original. Is that seriously that big a dislike you chose to share it with the rest of the world?

I could go on; by frankly I fear I’ll headbutt my monitor if I read any more of this crap.

And another thing I hate is when girls have "Dn't B messagin me without a picture, I aint no hoe". Oh, so when people message you when they DO have a picture, your'e less of a hoe?
The fuck makes you think boys want to message your ugly ass anyway?

One of the funniest things I ever saw on a profile was some 15-year-old chatting shit about her baby. Then she was all “Don’t none of you haterz b messaging me telling me I’m a hoe, cos I aint no hoe”. Jesus Christ, I laughed so hard I nearly broke a rib.

For any girls out there who want to make a profile, but have been severely discouraged by this blog, I’ve made a template for you. Follow this design, and I guarantee your profile will kick so much ass it will be criminal.

Name: Your name. Please do not actually write “Your name”.
Likes: I do not like anything but Kel’s blog. http://kellius.blogspot.com/

Dislikes: Everything but Kel’s blog. www.everythingelseintheworld.com

Picture: Here’s where you would normally post a picture of yourself. If you’re any less of a 10 (See Kel’s guide to...Girl ratings below), do not put a picture up. I suggest you post a picture of me. Here’s one to copy:

Kel’s Guide to…Rating girls.

10 – This type of girl can’t be looked at directly. She’s like the Sun. That’s a good analogy, because she’s also amazingly hot. She’s not 93,000,000-Miles away though…

9 – She’s ok except for some minor detail

8- 3 – Nothing special. Gradually getting uglier

2 – She’d be ok if she shaved every now and again

1 – Jesus fucking Christ, that girls face is killing children

If you have any doubt about which number you are, post a picture of me just to be safe. Or you could send me a photo of yourself and i'll tell you. Preferably naked...*

For those of you with a brain, this blog entry is also available without the misspellings girls’ use, or what I like to call “Proper English”.

* Just kidding. Pease don't.

Seriously, don't do it.