Kel’s guide...Being the best damn father you can
Man, I hope I don’t have children. And if I accidentally do, I hope it’s not a daughter. Daughters are so much trouble. Unless brought up right they're bossy, stubborn, spoilt little brats. Here’s some advice on how to deal with issues that may come up:
Make-up – I’ll do this in order of how they’ll appear, and one of the first things that I can see coming up is make-up. When I see some of these English girls with make-up so thick its bullet-proof, it make me want to vomit. The conversation is likely to go like this: “But dad all the other girls are wearing make-up” “I don’t care. What is make-up gonna do?” “It’s gonna make me feel good” “How’s it gonna do that?” “It’ll make me look nice” “Yeah so you can get attention from all the boys? You little whore. You’re not wearing make-up and that’s finale” At this point I assume she’ll go running to her mum, and if I’ve made the right choice with wives, her mum will slap her round the face and tell her to listen to her father. Because he is king.
Boys – This is both a tough one and an easy one. Tough in the sense that it might be hard to deal with, but easy in the sense that I know exactly how horny teenage boys think. She could go for the cool-popular guy, or the grungy-emo guy. Knowing that she’ll be my seed, and that she has a super-hot mum (naturally…), she is gonna be one buff girl. I can imagine myself saying, “If only she was double her age…and not my daughter…”. But anywhoo, because she’ll be so super-hot, she’s gonna attract all the boys. And so I’ll have to take steps to protect her. Take your pens and pencils out gentlemen, because your gonna want to take notes. I’ll protect her with the art of fear. First off I’m going to scare the shit out of her. From the moment she can understand me, I’m going to slip in little sentences or stories completely turning her off the idea of boys. “How’s the chicken?” “It’s fine daddy” “Good. All boys are rapists” “Huh” “I said try the potatoes” “Ohh...”
And that’s my plan for her. Now if any boys do happen to sneak into her life, they will have to be dealt with. Personally for this approach I recommend in-your-face bullying, but I might slip a little subliminal fear-tactics in there during a conversation. Anything for my little baby…
Housework – The first time my child says she doesn’t want to do housework; I’m throwing her out the house naked. Then I’ll let her back in a week later. I’m pretty sure she’ll never refuse to do the housework again...
Spring break – I don’t know what the fuck spring break is supposed to be, apart from a whore-fest, so my little girl is staying away from it. “But dad, EVERYONE’S going” “Everyone? Oh really? Then you better go. Bring me back some STD’s while your there, you little slut”
Periods – I hereby state that periods do not exist. They’re just an excuse for women to be grumpy. So there’ll be no mention of this “period” stuff in my household, Period. Ohhhh, Genius.
Boys – Boys again. Cos their bound to pop-up more than once. Once she gets past the stage where my crazy stories don’t work no more, and she realises boy’s penisses are not a tool for special Penis-Shaped-Screws, she’s gonna start asking questions. It’s at this point I’ll just start sniping her dates. One by one. She’ll never find out…*Evil grin*
Sex – *Sigh* Tough topic. My daughters not having sex till she’s married. At the age of 6 I’ll tell her that girls who have sex before marriage get raped by the devil. And by ‘sex’ I mean looking at a naked boy, thinking about a naked boy or being with a naked boy. That should do the trick.
I've changed my mind, I can't wait to have a daughter, 'cos i'm gonna be one kick-ass father. You better believe it...
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