Ashamed to be British

I was reading the newspaper, when I came across an article about Rooney. The Soccer player. Who’s apparently injured, and is damaging England’s already shit chances at winning the world cup. And it got me thinking. It sucks to be British.

So Rooney hurt his ankle, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Somebody give that pussy a tissue.

And then I thought about it even more, and came to the conclusion: America rocks.

America rocks, because it epitomises everything about being great. And it all boils down to its people, who are great.

Case 1: Muhammad Ali

The greatest boxer of all time. But he’s my case example for one reason. On February 25th 1964, Muhammad Ali (known then as Cassius Clay) faced Sonny Liston for the world heavyweight title. In round 4, a substance from Listons eye got into Ali’s . By the start of round 5, Clay was facing the champion of the world almost completely blind. In the 7th round, Liston pussied out because of the ass whooping he was receiving. Despite being blinded for two rounds, and up against one of the most feared heavyweight champions on the planet, Ali laid down some beating and was crowned champion.

They fought again a year later. I think this picture just about sums up the fight:

Case 2: David Blaine

On September 5th, 2003, Blaine entered a plastic box, which was hoisted above the river Thames. He went on to spend the next 44 days with nothing but water to survive. What an awesome American.

During his stunt, the British public demonstrated what dick-heads they really are. Some of the wonderful things the public did included:

Tempting him to give up by teasing him with food.

Including one particular stunt where a well-known tabloid newspaper flew a burger up by his box.

Pelting him with eggs:

Along with throwing lemons, sausages, bacon, water bottles, beer cans, paint-filled balloons and golf balls. And one retarded individual even attempted to climb the scaffolding supporting the box to cut the power and water supply. He has since been imprisoned for being a prick.

I have never read one account of a protester going to such lengths at any of David Blaine’s US performed stunts. It has been suggested that this is because Americans kick-ass, and the UK is full of useless, drunk, benefit-reliant yobs with nothing better to do but pull shitty stunts like this and claim free healthcare, although this has never been verified.

Case 3: Football

Another reason why America rocks is Football.

American football is not a sport. It is a war. Take a look at an American football player:

Strong. Athletic. And suited for war.

Now lets take a look at a soccer player:

Ok, maybe that wasn’t the best picture. I mean, he reeks of masculinity in that. My bad.

Soccer sucks, because it has girls like Rooney playing.

Case 4: Celebrity/Celebrity Couples

Britain has celebrity couples like Chantelle and Preston.

One’s a shitty media whore with no talent, and the others’…a shitty media whore with no talent.

In America it’s different. You have celebrities like Brad and Angelina.

Who are just vomit-enducingly sexy.

Case 5: Politics

In America, you have a president that can joke around. A fun president.

Whilst in England, we have this wooden moron:

Who makes speeches without mistakes, is always presentable and is generally annoying.

And finally, America has REAL political scandals with attractive people:

Whereas in England, we get this:

So that concludes my blog. I hope my business teacher accepts this as gradable work, because I really should have being doing her homework.

Ah well. Until next time.

Bye.

Here at this blog, we support David Blaine's latest stunt, staying in an aquarium for 7 days, before attempting to break the record for longest time underwater without air:


If you support him too, please send me money so I can buy a plane ticket and go see him :)

Peace.