Agony Uncle returns

I don’t know whether you like my agony uncle blogs, so maybe I should get some feedback. Those of you who do like it, thank you, and those of you who don’t, can shut the hell up. I’m going to write them anyway. I really need to vent my thoughts when I get them, otherwise I’ll go crazy.

So here’s a letter and answer I saw for an agony page. When I read it, I was so angry I walked over to my TV and punched a hole right through it. My hand is bleeding all over my keyboard. My dads in the car waiting for me so he can take me to casualty, but I have to write this blog before I forget it. I’ll be quick…

Dear X,

My girlfriend left me for her gym instructor. I know she had great sex with him because I overheard other men in the changing room saying how well endowed he is.

Now she’s begging me to take her back as he’s dull and shallow. But how can I ever compare to him?

X’s Answer:

You already compare very favourable. She’s seen him in his true colours and he doesn’t match up to you.

It’s true some men have big penises but the measurement isn’t a guide to virility. Big isn’t the same as satisfaction and it looks like you’re the one capable of delivering what she wants.

NO NO NO FUCKING NO.

I don’t know who I’m more angry at. The dick-head who wrote the letter, or the moron who gave such a retarded reply to it. I’m gonna start with the guy.

Dear the guy,

YOU SHIT-FACED-NO-GOOD-LOW-SELF-ESTEEMED-MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course you shouldn’t take your girlfriend back. That’s a fucking no-brainer. Why you are even considering it is beyond logic. She cheated on you, left you for a guy with a bigger penis, and then comes back to you once she's bored. And like some dog, your gonna accept her back, and think “Ohh poor me, I can’t compare”. Boo-Hoo. Get some fucking balls, dump this chick, and go get another one. Man, do I really have to explain that kind of stuff to you? Honestly, it seems like common sense to me.

I’m guessing you have a slight retarded nature.

Dear X,

How the fuck did you get to your position??. It really baffles me how you get paid to deliver this shitness *throws the article onto the floor*. I mean, you actually say…(I’m gonna need to pick the article up to quote it…But I’m still angry!)…You already compare favourably. So the fuck what?!. She had to CHEAT ON HIM to find that out.

Personally, when I get a girl, Her thoughts will look like this:

OMFG, I never realised Kel was so amazing. He is probably the best boyfriend…No, the best PERSON I have ever met in my entire life. But my goodness, that gym instructor…Oh wait, I better not, Kel may be listening to my thoughts…
…YOUR DAMN RIGHT BITCH. *Kel stabs the bitch in the jaw with a kebab skewer* The fuck are you doing thinking about another man? You hoe…
OMG OMG OMG I’M SO SORRY! OWWWWWWW MY JAW
You better fucking be sorry. *Takes the skewer out of her jaw*
I AM! Allow me to show my apology by getting naked and cooking for you. I’m so so sorry master, I really am worth nothing.

Because, that’s how all relationships work…right?

The only way you are ever going to match up to this guy, is if you double the size of your penis and become a bastard.

Because at the end of the day, women don’t want nice, small endowed men. They want dick-heads that mistreat them, and have unnaturally large genitallia. It’s a fact of life.

So its up to boys like you (and indeed me. I am also a nice guy like this gentleman) to find the most stupid, shallow, immature, passive girls we can to control… I mean date…. It’s nature. That’s how things are meant to work.

And to the woman:

You dumbass. You stupid, stupid girl. I hope you caught a disease from this "gym instructor", and you die a slow, painful death, for the sake of your ex, any future boyfriends, and Mankind in general.

Obviously someone is yet to explain this to you, but that’s why I’m here!

I hope that not only the sender and receiver of that letter can learn something from this blog, but also you, The People.

Possibly one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard

You know when you’re hanging around with nitwits, and they keep making shit comments about things, like they know stuff. And you wana say something, but you bite your tongue because explaining it to the guy would be as easy as training a monkey to play Poker. I’m going to assume you know what I’m talking about…

We’ll, I’ve decided to create a section here where I’ll write out what needs to be said to this person. If you know any of these people, print out my answers and proceed to deliver them some knowledge, K.Man style. So here’s edition 1…

If I don’t wear a seatbelt, why should I get fined? It’s my life.

I’m gonna start off my reply to this with, “You stupid Fuckface”. So here goes:

You stupid Fuckface (I told you). Let me tell you why I think you should wear a seatbelt.
Lets assume your driving along, back from seeing your stupid ass girlfriend. On the way home, you’re checking out some dude on the pavement (because secretly you’re gay, and like a little man-love now and again. I make no judgments…) And because of this, you happen to crash, and fly through your windscreen. I’m guessing your saying “It’s my life AND my windscreen”. To that I would say “Shut the fuck up douche bag, I’m speaking”.

Sure, it’s YOUR life, and it’s YOUR windscreen. So far I have no problem. But lets progress…So you fly through the windscreen, and onto the pavement. Good. Serves your dumb ass right, for not being safety conscious. But still, I have no problem.

However, as soon as the ambulance arrives to scoop up your decapitated ass off the road, drive you into the hospital, and use up valuable man-hours trying to piece you back together, all at the expense of the tax payer, I HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM.

The fine is a deterrent, you dipshit. If you don’t wana get fined, put your seatbelt on. The NHS is a stretched service as it is. The last thing we need to be doing is encouraging unnecessary casualties. So take your vitamins. Say your prayers. And for the love of god, put on your seatbelts.

How was that for you? It was almost orgasmic for me.

The.K.Man. Delivering knowledge to the masses in such style, it should be illegal.

Or at least frowned upon…

The day I fell in (even more) love with Bush

I’ve always loved America, I didn’t always love Bush. I fell in love with Bush whilst watching Fahrenheit 9/11. At this exact point:





At that very exact time. With the music playing the in the background. Michael Moore’s stupid fat face speaking over the video (seen below in what is possibly the most terrible pose ever). I got chills. Bush was the most powerful man in the world. And he dealt with the news the same way I would have done. What else could he have done?

Take a look at what some Anti-Bush site said about that day:

What did the Commander in Chief do? Nothing. He sat there. He sat for well over 5 minutes, doing nothing while 3,000 people were dying and the attacks were still in progress.

Yeah of course. ‘Cos had that been any other president, they would have quicky ran into the nearest phone booth, changed into their suit, and stopped every person from dying that day. Stupid Bush and his non-superpower-self:

But after that, my interest died down a little. Bush was just the president. I was no longer infatuated with him. Until recently…

During a speech defending Rumsfeld he said this: (I know a lot of you don’t do Politics. I myself did one year of it, and so, am clearly qualified to translate.)

I say, I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision. And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job.
Translation: All you bitches just talk. But what else do you do? That’s right. You don’t do shit. You make your little websites, with your little banners. Oh you don’t like Rumsfeld? Fucking get used to it. You have no voice asshole. Spend a little less time making badges, and a little more time becoming President of the United States of America. He's not only transforming the military, he's fighting a war on terror. He's helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Don Rumsfeld. I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defence. Translation: Motherfucker, I can do anything I want. And whatever I say is best. And I say The Donald stays exactly where he is. Don’t make me go military on yo’ ass…



Sure the president went to Iraq. He had no choice.

Personally, I’m not a real fan of Blair, but in regards to going to Iraq I say this: Nice one *Thumbs up*. Because at the end of the day, Iraq needed to be invaded by SOMEONE. And Bush started it simply because he has huge, Basketball sized Balls…Oh wait, that’s my phone….

That was Bush. He called to say he also has a huge penis. This big apparently:



He’s just boasting. I’ve seen it. It’s slightly smaller.

It makes me so angry when I see your sites protesting the war. And the way you’re changing millions of people’s opinions. And the way your making million$ from the badges. And the way your getting places.
...Oh wait, no your not
.

You toppled him? Of course you did.

The only thing that toppled Bush was his bike:

And that scooter thing.


And a pretzel…





But apart from that, He’s UNTOPPLEDABLE!

Shit, I’m not even American and I appreciate your president more than you. Fuck it. Your not worth the energy...

Oh wait, that’s Bush calling me again, he says its for you guys. *Hands you the phone*…



Haha. He rules.

And so do I for that matter.

Kel. The next President of the United States of America.

Most probably…


This blog is written in BLUE, because that is the Presidents most favouritest colour.

The ticket machine tried to fuck me.

Not in a literal sense. But there was definitely some sense of buggery going on. Allow me to explain.

I went to an office, with the intention of handing in a form. “Take a ticket” the sweet young lady said, “and then take a seat, and wait for your number to be called”.

Fixated by the beauty of the secretary, I took a ticket and lined up (which I wasn’t supposed to do…) waiting, without having glanced at my ticket. A minute later, the number 4 was called. Hmmm, I wonder what my number is?

I looked at my ticket. Why don’t you guess my number?

10?

20?

50?…

No. My number was 707.

That’s not a typo. My number was SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVEN. Needless to say, I did not stand in line a wait. I had places to go.

I’ll pop back there in a week, and see if my number is ready to be called.

What the fuck…

…Are these?…

???

I’ll tell you what they are.

CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

That’s what they are. Or what I like to call, “I am worn by whores” Panties.

Are there really women out there that have so much sex, they feel the need to rid themselves of the act of taking their pants off?

I can just imagine customer feedback for this:

“I used to have so much trouble taking off my pants before intercourse it used to drive me crazy! That was before I bought the ‘Panties-for-whores-lingerie’. Now, I all do is get a guy back to my apartment, and before you know it, we’re going at it like rabbits. God forbid we take 5 seconds to get undressed. I’m gagging for it so much, I really can’t afford any time delay”
Carla – ISleepWithEveryManIMeet - Richardson.

Really girls? Really? Has it come to this? Please tell me it hasn’t. Restore my faith in the female gender and tell me no one buy’s these knickers.

Boys are easy, we all know that. It’s nothing to be proud of. But girls, you’re special. Keeping your legs shut is WHAT YOU DO. And honestly, most of you do it so well. I’m proud I really am.

It’s unfortunate, but you (girls) can’t be trusted. We (Superior men) gave you the right to wear decent clothing, and you throw it back in our faces, and leave the house dressed disgustingly:

It is because of this, I hereby denounce your right to wear whatever the hell you want in public. From now on, if you're outside, all I expect to see of you is this:

It's for your own good ladies...

Kel is positive for once

What’s the deal with blogs having to be negative? I’m going to spice things up a little, and bless you with a list of things I love to do. Here goes:

Speeding: There’s nothing I love more than driving above the legal limit. I don’t actually have a licence, so it’s all-the-more exciting. Whenever my parents leave, I just jump in the car and find my way to the nearest built-up area and burn some rubber. Maybe even knock down a few old people.

Doing nothing: Doing nothing is so sweet. Especially when I should be doing something. Exam-leave is almost orgasmic for me as I sit around doing fuck all. In 1998 I was gonna do something, and then I decided, what the heck, I’ll do nothing. I’ve been doing nothing ever since.

Having my headphones one notch too loud: You know that feeling when you put your headphones on, and they’re painfully too loud? Man I love that feeling. The best is when the headphones are already in, and the music starts playing, although putting the headphones in your ears with the music already playing is good too…

Catching my fingers in places: No specific written rules about “where” exactly my fingers are caught, but any type of sudden compression on my fingers is nice. Some of my favourites include; Drawers, Car doors and between a knife and a cutting board.

Dryness of the eye: You know that feeling when your eyes are suddenly stinging from dryness, and you have to close your eyes and move your eyeballs around to moisten them up? Yeah, I enjoy that. I try to keep my eyes still for as long as possible when I feel the dryness coming. My record is 3 days. Try and beat it. I dare you.

I tried thinking of more, but I can’t top Dryness of the eye.

:(

Still, this was fun. We should do it more often.

Dear,

The girls of msn/msn spaces/and the web in general. 99% of you make me physically sick. You really need to change your ways. There’s so much your doing wrong, it’s almost impossible for me to lay it all out for you, but I will try;

• Please, for the love of god, don’t put “Sexy” anywhere in your names. I can assure you, you are not sexy. Boys only tell you you are because it betters their chances of sleeping with you. Somebody should inform them you would give it up even with the smallest amount of attention from a boy.
• Don’t post pictures. Is that too much to ask? One time I was searching msn spaces with the word “sexy” (immature I know, but hey, I’m a man) and I swear to god, some of these women were so repulsive I vomited all over my keyboard. The first time I did it, I cleaned my keyboard up, but 10 seconds later I vomited all over it again. So I left it dirty, and kept topping it up every now and again with my regurgitated lunch. Thanks to you girls, most of my keys don’t work. I’m writing this by coping words from the Internet and pasting them in here. Are you happy now?
• Get some fucking hobbies. I swear to god if I read one more list of things a girl “lyks” or “h8s” I’m going to shoot a baby. Or a very small adult. Here are some of the genius likes/dislikes I’ve seen:

Likes:
-My bf. No shit? You LIKE your boyfriend? Here I am thinking people who go out hate each other’s guts
- Goin out wiv frends an havin a laff. I have no fucking idea what that says.
- Sleeping. You like sleeping? I don’t. Sometimes I slap myself in the face for hours at a time, just so I can stay awake. Sleep sucks.

Dislikes:

- School. Holy shit, you hate school? How fucking amazingly original of you
- Rude people. Oh really? Cos the rest of us just love people who piss us off
- Getting up early. Again, how fucking original. Is that seriously that big a dislike you chose to share it with the rest of the world?

I could go on; by frankly I fear I’ll headbutt my monitor if I read any more of this crap.

And another thing I hate is when girls have "Dn't B messagin me without a picture, I aint no hoe". Oh, so when people message you when they DO have a picture, your'e less of a hoe?
The fuck makes you think boys want to message your ugly ass anyway?

One of the funniest things I ever saw on a profile was some 15-year-old chatting shit about her baby. Then she was all “Don’t none of you haterz b messaging me telling me I’m a hoe, cos I aint no hoe”. Jesus Christ, I laughed so hard I nearly broke a rib.

For any girls out there who want to make a profile, but have been severely discouraged by this blog, I’ve made a template for you. Follow this design, and I guarantee your profile will kick so much ass it will be criminal.

Name: Your name. Please do not actually write “Your name”.
Likes: I do not like anything but Kel’s blog. http://kellius.blogspot.com/

Dislikes: Everything but Kel’s blog. www.everythingelseintheworld.com

Picture: Here’s where you would normally post a picture of yourself. If you’re any less of a 10 (See Kel’s guide to...Girl ratings below), do not put a picture up. I suggest you post a picture of me. Here’s one to copy:

Kel’s Guide to…Rating girls.

10 – This type of girl can’t be looked at directly. She’s like the Sun. That’s a good analogy, because she’s also amazingly hot. She’s not 93,000,000-Miles away though…

9 – She’s ok except for some minor detail

8- 3 – Nothing special. Gradually getting uglier

2 – She’d be ok if she shaved every now and again

1 – Jesus fucking Christ, that girls face is killing children

If you have any doubt about which number you are, post a picture of me just to be safe. Or you could send me a photo of yourself and i'll tell you. Preferably naked...*

For those of you with a brain, this blog entry is also available without the misspellings girls’ use, or what I like to call “Proper English”.

* Just kidding. Pease don't.

Seriously, don't do it.

Forget the side effects and pass the aunt mary/boom/chronic/dope

…/ganja/grass/hash/herb/mary jane/pot/reefer/sinsemiila/skunk/weed

Because lets be honest, what we really need around here is people who just don’t give a fuck. People who just walk around minding their own business – stoned out of their heads. The world is full of nosy motherfuckers getting into other peoples business and generally being a pain in the fucking arse.

What I’m really trying to say is, you really need to start smoking/smoke more. Simply because if the world was full of dopes, the rest of us (mainly me…) could rule the world freely, and all you would demand was some Wotsits and a Coke.

So the question is, Why the hell aren’t you smoking?

Some side effects of the wonderful Plant:

• Trouble remembering things
• Sleepiness
• Paranoia
• Anxiety
• Altered time perception

So you forget a couple things, catch some more sleep, become overly self-aware, worry obsessively about trivial things and get the time a little wrong sometimes. It surely doesn’t outweigh the euphoria that is getting high…?

But before that discourages you, allow me to assure you marijuana is totally safe. Those side effects don’t really mean anything. Plus, it’s been around since 2737 BC, so I’m pretty sure it’s safe.

Oh wait…there’s more;

Marijuana lowers testosterone levels and sperm counts in men and raises testosterone levels in women. In pregnant women it affects the fetus and results in developmental difficulties in the child.

Although it may seem scary, allow me to break that information down and give it to you straight. A nation of stone-heads is going to lead to infertile men, women with beards and retarded children.

But there’s something even scarier. And that something is:

The symptoms of marijuana withdrawal. That is, the side effects of giving up on weed.

Such side effects include:

• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Physical tension
• Decreases in appetite and mood
• Stomach pain
• Physical tension
• Restlessness
• Anorexia
• Insomnia
• Increased aggression / anger
• Strange dreams

Wow, is it just me or do they seem 10 times worse then the side effects of smoking weed? If there’s any reason to stay on the stuff it has to be them. Decreases in mood? What the fuck is that anyway. How can a mood “decrease”?

As mind-bogglingly-shit-your-pants-scary as that last list was, prepare to be delivered with the biggest shot of Pro-pot-head arguments you will ever read. This is entitled:

Things that can help you take a break from marijuana:

• Listening to music
• Taking walks
• Hanging out with someone who doesn't use marijuana
• Remind yourself to think positive
• Set a goal to achieve (a period of time to quit)
• Tell others what you are doing for yourself
• Cutting yourself to relieve any pain or tension you may feel
  

Ok, I added the last one...

Maybe I'm weird, but I'd much rather have a world of Stoners, than a world full of what can only be described as Goths.

“Taking walks”. *Shakes head*. Who the fuck takes walks?

And my final argument is simply, if your man enough to start smoking, don’t just give it up like a pussy a few years later.

Remember kids, Nobody likes a quitter.

Join me tomorrow when I'll be discussing the wonders that are; Underage sex and Spousal abuse.

I’ve decided to tell you how I feel, in song. So here goes:

I hate doing work, but it has to be done ,
Nobody said Law, would be so much fun,
I sit around all day, contemplation, but never actions,
Gone are the day’s when work was easy fractions,
My mind begins to wonder, that’s another hour gone,
Maybe if this works out, I’ll make it a song,
I’m just kidding, I wanted things to rhyme,
I could never make this a song; I don’t have the time,
I sit with an empty page, the thoughts just aren’t coming,
The pen I use for writing, makes a good tool for drumming,
My mouse moves to the X, I should just get going,
But why not instead write a nice poem…

I decided due to the gay nature of the post, I would make it the colour pink. The gayest colour there is.
Excuse me while I go and do something to remind me of my manliness...

From the 'Kel's guide' Series...

Kel’s guide to…Things girls say, and what they really mean:

Awwww that’s cute – What has just happened evokes some emotion within me. However it has completely ruled you out as a potential mate in the near future. Please refrain from touching me.

We just kissed – She’s lying. They did what I like to call, “Giving it to the Devil”. And by the looks of her, they did it more than once.

I love you – I’m feeling insecure. I need some affirmation you have feelings for me too. I promise you will get oral later.

We can be friends – And by friends she means, “Seriously, whatever it takes for you to go away I’ll say it. And then when you’re gone, don’t expect to hear from me again. Ever.”

Can you help me with this? – I’m hoping my mediocre looks will enable me to get you - someone I have no interest in - to help me with a task. I do not however, despite what my flirtatious actions may tell you, wish to date/call/speak/see you ever again in my life.

Of course I don’t fake it – Are you fucking kidding me? I fake it every time. If I weren’t so busted*, I’d go out and find a real man.

But mum, I love him – And by “him”, I mean the way he’s such a rebel, and the way you don’t like him. And I love the way he has no job and failed at every educational institution he attended. I also love the way he gets me into new interesting things, like drugs, and underage sex…

Is that too far? I’m beginning to think I have serious mental issues…Anywhoo. Lets continue;

No, no, I DO want to see you again its just…Honestly, there should be a school for dicks like you. I try to hint that I don’t like you, but you won’t give it up. *Sigh*, why did the lord bless me with such great looks…

Do I look fat? – I swear to god if you say yes I’m gonna kill myself. I know I look fat, but remind me why I’m sleeping with you by lying to my face. Sweetie…

I can get any man to do anything I want…- Usually accompanied by tongue-in-cheek, or an attempt at a seductive pose. This girl isn’t very attractive, but due to her poor childhood, she has very little self-esteem and so, exchanges sexual favours for things from men. Little does she know she’s at the shitty end of every deal, and the men are weirdo’s. I’ve got a little carried away with this one haven’t I…Maybe we should end this here.

One from Osman I was pretty impressed with:

It’s not you its me – If its you, shouldn’t I be the one breaking it off?…

And one from Dan:

I want to fuck you in the ass – Untrue, because girls don’t have dicks…

…Yeah, I was less impressed with that one…

Oh, and before I forget Yahoo is possibly the dumbest site on Earth: (Baring this one)

Definition – Affirmation:

The act of affirming or the state of being affirmed.

¬_¬

* Busted - A way to describe a very ugly female, who can barely be described as female. A "busted" female is not even considered for Mercy Sex simply because they are so ugly.

Thanks to UrbanDictionary.com for that *Thumbs up*...This place really needs emoticons.

From the 'Kel's guide' Series...

How to create a kick-ass blog

When I’m browsing sites, I get so frustrated with the amount of UTTER BULLSHIT people have in their blogs, it makes me want to slice of my thumbs and throw them at people. Seriously, no one cares what time you got up this morning, what you had for lunch, or how your hoe of a girlfriend is doing. Get a fucking life.

So it is because of this, coupled with my super-kind-nature, that I have decided to create a guide to writing the most Awesomest - make you wana slap your mother - kick ass blogs. So mums, get your cheeks ready for some raw slapping. Here goes:

Don’ts:

• Don’t give us a minute-by-minute account of your day. Nobody outside your close circle of friends cares. Seriously, try reading it. Do YOU even care? Probably not. My rule for a good blog is if you can read it and be interested, some other people might be. But I’m a perfectionist, and know quality when I see it. You are obviously a nobody, but still, it’s worth taking note.

• Don’t share private jokes. Private Jokes should be re-named “Keep-it-to-your-fucking-self-jokes”. Because, when it comes down to it, only you should have to be forced to deal with the shitness that is a private joke. And lets be honest, even the people that are in on the joke don’t find it that funny…

• Don’t…make a blog. If your blog is going to say something like “I don’t really know what to write lolz, but you know, I thought I wouldn’t leave this bit blank LOLOL. Ummmmmm Bye”. Just don’t bother. Do something else with your time like….I don’t know…reading my blog. Unless you learn from it and then gain the confidence to write your own blog, in which case don’t read my blog.

Do’s:

• Do refer to yourself in the third person. The Rock does it, and look how cool he is! And also, for a quick second, someone might think you actually have friends and that you’re talking about them.

• Do be funny, entertaining and articulate. You really aren’t going to get anywhere without at least one, or preferably all three, of those things. If you don’t naturally have them, don’t make a blog. In fact, if you don’t have any of them attributes, I don’t even know why you’re alive. Just kill yourself. Unless you are pretty. In which case, you’re fine.

• Do use a fucking spell checker. I’m sure I have misspellings on my blog, but they’re few and far between. If every other word is spelt like you have learning difficulties, pretty soon people are going to get bored. And annoyed. But most importantly, bored.

So in conclusion, I have masterfully entertained you in MY BLOG, by talking to you about OTHER BLOGS.

Because, ultimately, I am a genius.

Kel’s guide...Being the best damn father you can

Man, I hope I don’t have children. And if I accidentally do, I hope it’s not a daughter. Daughters are so much trouble. Unless brought up right they're bossy, stubborn, spoilt little brats. Here’s some advice on how to deal with issues that may come up:

Make-up – I’ll do this in order of how they’ll appear, and one of the first things that I can see coming up is make-up. When I see some of these English girls with make-up so thick its bullet-proof, it make me want to vomit. The conversation is likely to go like this: “But dad all the other girls are wearing make-up” “I don’t care. What is make-up gonna do?” “It’s gonna make me feel good” “How’s it gonna do that?” “It’ll make me look nice” “Yeah so you can get attention from all the boys? You little whore. You’re not wearing make-up and that’s finale” At this point I assume she’ll go running to her mum, and if I’ve made the right choice with wives, her mum will slap her round the face and tell her to listen to her father. Because he is king.

Boys – This is both a tough one and an easy one. Tough in the sense that it might be hard to deal with, but easy in the sense that I know exactly how horny teenage boys think. She could go for the cool-popular guy, or the grungy-emo guy. Knowing that she’ll be my seed, and that she has a super-hot mum (naturally…), she is gonna be one buff girl. I can imagine myself saying, “If only she was double her age…and not my daughter…”. But anywhoo, because she’ll be so super-hot, she’s gonna attract all the boys. And so I’ll have to take steps to protect her. Take your pens and pencils out gentlemen, because your gonna want to take notes. I’ll protect her with the art of fear. First off I’m going to scare the shit out of her. From the moment she can understand me, I’m going to slip in little sentences or stories completely turning her off the idea of boys. “How’s the chicken?” “It’s fine daddy” “Good. All boys are rapists” “Huh” “I said try the potatoes” “Ohh...”
And that’s my plan for her. Now if any boys do happen to sneak into her life, they will have to be dealt with. Personally for this approach I recommend in-your-face bullying, but I might slip a little subliminal fear-tactics in there during a conversation. Anything for my little baby…

Housework – The first time my child says she doesn’t want to do housework; I’m throwing her out the house naked. Then I’ll let her back in a week later. I’m pretty sure she’ll never refuse to do the housework again...

Spring break – I don’t know what the fuck spring break is supposed to be, apart from a whore-fest, so my little girl is staying away from it. “But dad, EVERYONE’S going” “Everyone? Oh really? Then you better go. Bring me back some STD’s while your there, you little slut”

Periods – I hereby state that periods do not exist. They’re just an excuse for women to be grumpy. So there’ll be no mention of this “period” stuff in my household, Period. Ohhhh, Genius.

Boys – Boys again. Cos their bound to pop-up more than once. Once she gets past the stage where my crazy stories don’t work no more, and she realises boy’s penisses are not a tool for special Penis-Shaped-Screws, she’s gonna start asking questions. It’s at this point I’ll just start sniping her dates. One by one. She’ll never find out…*Evil grin*

Sex – *Sigh* Tough topic. My daughters not having sex till she’s married. At the age of 6 I’ll tell her that girls who have sex before marriage get raped by the devil. And by ‘sex’ I mean looking at a naked boy, thinking about a naked boy or being with a naked boy. That should do the trick.

Jobs - Or mainly, being a stripper. And not just those strippers in strip clubs. Included are; T.V whores – You know the ones, Babe93 on some hidden away Sky channel, Web-cam whores, Prostitutes, Masseuses, Models, or Barmaids… they’re all a father’s worse nightmare. If my daughter tells me she’s become a striper, I’m going to slaughter her.

I've changed my mind, I can't wait to have a daughter, 'cos i'm gonna be one kick-ass father. You better believe it...

Isn’t it annoying…

When people tell you about a film or programme, but only give me hints.

For example a friend saw a film. “I wont tell you what happens” he says, “But just concentrate on what the man at the beginning says”

Concentrate on what the man at the beginning says?…What man? Is it Denzel? Who am I looking out for? Is it right at the beginning? What does he say?

Because I spent almost the entire movie looking for this “important” information, I don’t even know happened in the film. “Was that it? Did I miss it? Let me rewind…No that couldn’t have been it. It wasn’t important enough...maybe it was. Let me rewind it again. Nope. Definitely not important.”

Thanks friend.

US Apprentice v UK Apprentice.

I know looks shouldn't matter. I know on a programme about business acumen, it all boils down to ability to lead, and generally be a good apprentice. But I can't help but see the difference between the quality of females in the American Apprentice compared to the UK one.

Take a look at Summer:


Pretty girl isn't she? Very attractive. That's a random female contestant on the American Apprentice. Unfortunately she has been fired :(






Lets pit Summer against a female contestant from the UK Apprentice. Hmmm...Decisions decisions...Lets go with Ruth:

*Sigh*. Meet Ruth. Ruth Ruth Ruth...

Ruth has 7 whole GCSE's. SEVEN!. I'm an idiot and I've got 12! What's she doing on T.V??

Here's hoping you know your stuff Ruth.

US:1 UK:0



Next up we have the wonderful Michelle, from the UK-Apprentice:



Is it just me, or is Michelle cute? I think she's cute.








I pit Michelle, (who's a very good contender...) against Allie:


Allie is cute. Very cute. Plus she's still in, and I do like a winner. However, I'm gonna call this one a tie.

US:2 UK:1





Next up batting for the US we have Andrea:


She's not cute. She's...pretty. She's got a look in her eyes...

I like her. Lets look at the competition.







Here we have Nargis:


Oh wow. I'm giving this one to the Americans. I'm sure your a nice person Nargis...

US:3 UK:1





Representing for the US, we have Theresa:


Theresa has that cute appeal. But she's not drop-dead gorgeous. However, with the quality of competition, Theresa could have a moustache and STILL beat some of these English chicks. But before I get ahead of myself, lets look at her opponent.





And her name is Alexa:

Are you serious? This is the best you can come up with? I'm sorry Alexa. I'm just sorry...

I should give the US an extra 5 points for this round ¬_¬, but I'm a nice guy, I'll play by the rules.

US:4 UK:-7

What do you mean I can't go into minus figures?? I can do whatever the hell I want.

Next up for the US is Roxanne:

Wow. She is sexy. Look at them eyes. Wow...

I'm gonna go out on a limb, and give her the point already. But lets check out the British chick anyway...






This British chick goes by the name of Jo. I tried to find a girl who wasn't white to compare with sexy Roxanne over there, but I only have three white women left. Not that it makes a difference...


REALLY ENGLAND? THIS IS WHAT YOU OFFER ME?

Damn.

US:5 UK:-14

Yeah I halved the British points.
CAN YOU BLAME ME?


Next up for the US is Tammy:


Tammy is 33. And buff. Buff buff buff.








For the UK, we have Sharon:

ARE YOU SH*TTING ME? DID YOU NOT JUST SEE TAMMY? AND YOU GIVE ME THIS?!

US:5 UK:1

I never gave the UK back their scores I just went back to what it was, before I started punishing the UK for the sh*t they was delivering. And believe me, it was shit.

We're down to our last 2 girls now. First i'll show you the UK competition. She goes by the name of Karen:

Karen's not terrible looking. Maybe she has a chance..







I give you...Charmaine:


Charmaine is so fucking buff I want to set my eyelids alight.


My goodness.









In conclusion, America is clearly better than England.





And I am a shallow, fickle, immature prick.






But you knew that already.





Didn't you.