There’s no such thing as Global Warming
I was reading the news. Like I normally do. Because to be a smart, well rounded individual, you HAVE to read the news…
Anywhoo. I saw the title: Most Americans Now Believe In Global Warming. I assumed this implied that previously, most Americas Denied Global Warming…like ghosts or something. The biggest reason for this sudden change of heart is the changing weather conditions.
The Greenhouse Effect:
What is this? Consider the greenhouse as a blanket. A nice, warm, snugly blanket. Our input to the greenhouse effect is making you even nicer. Even warmer. Even snugllierly…Eco-nuts, want to start taking away your nice warm blanket. WE CAN’T LET THEM DO THIS. I say, layer as much as you want. What’s wrong with a little heat? All you people do is complain about sh*tty weather. And now its getting warmer, you complain still. You cannot be pleased.
LEAVE OUR BLANKETS ALONE YOU ECO-F*CKS.
What am I doing to cause this?
By ‘I’ I obviously mean you guys. So what are we doing wrong?
Well firstly, we’re burning natural gas, coal and oil. People; Stop using petrol in your cars, don’t burn coal in your barbeque, get rid of your gas cookers, and most importantly, eat your meat raw. Raw like a true man would.
Farming. Stop farming guys. You’re putting out methane and nitrous oxide. “But what would all are farmers do for a living?” Who the f*ck cares? Don’t you give a sh*t for our planet?? Gees.
Methane is from cows farting. Don’t you guys find that hilarious?…
Deforestation. Maybe those tree-hugging hippies were onto something. But if its a tossup between a tree and a brand new desk. I say f*ck the tree.
Population growth. I could’a told you this one. For Christ’s sake stop having babies.
What’s happening?
Rising temperatures – So it gets a little warmer. Big deal
Endangered Species – Less animals = More room for Monster Trucks. And I don’t even like Monster Trucks…
What can we, the people, do?
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle – Wayyyyy too much effort.
Insulate your home – Insulate my house? Really? It’s that easy? Jimmy, gimme’ your Playstation. Mama’s gonna go buy me some …Insulatory…stuff.
Be thrifty with heating and cooling – A.K.A turn it down at night. The babies’ hands are always cold anyway, what’s the difference if it gets a little colder...
Don’t leave the water running – Remember to turn it off when you’re not using it. You mean, other people don’t just leave the house with all the taps on *Gasp*
Keep driving your cars, leaving the TV on as you go out, and chopping down the trees. A lot of our oxygen comes from Phytoplankton, Algae and Terrestrial plants. What the hell are these? WHO CARES?
Most importantly, Global warming doesn’t affect YOU. It’s gonna effect your children. And fuck ‘em. You never wanted them anyway. And their only gonna put you in a home…
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