From the 'Kel's guide' Series...

How to create a kick-ass blog

When I’m browsing sites, I get so frustrated with the amount of UTTER BULLSHIT people have in their blogs, it makes me want to slice of my thumbs and throw them at people. Seriously, no one cares what time you got up this morning, what you had for lunch, or how your hoe of a girlfriend is doing. Get a fucking life.

So it is because of this, coupled with my super-kind-nature, that I have decided to create a guide to writing the most Awesomest - make you wana slap your mother - kick ass blogs. So mums, get your cheeks ready for some raw slapping. Here goes:

Don’ts:

• Don’t give us a minute-by-minute account of your day. Nobody outside your close circle of friends cares. Seriously, try reading it. Do YOU even care? Probably not. My rule for a good blog is if you can read it and be interested, some other people might be. But I’m a perfectionist, and know quality when I see it. You are obviously a nobody, but still, it’s worth taking note.

• Don’t share private jokes. Private Jokes should be re-named “Keep-it-to-your-fucking-self-jokes”. Because, when it comes down to it, only you should have to be forced to deal with the shitness that is a private joke. And lets be honest, even the people that are in on the joke don’t find it that funny…

• Don’t…make a blog. If your blog is going to say something like “I don’t really know what to write lolz, but you know, I thought I wouldn’t leave this bit blank LOLOL. Ummmmmm Bye”. Just don’t bother. Do something else with your time like….I don’t know…reading my blog. Unless you learn from it and then gain the confidence to write your own blog, in which case don’t read my blog.

Do’s:

• Do refer to yourself in the third person. The Rock does it, and look how cool he is! And also, for a quick second, someone might think you actually have friends and that you’re talking about them.

• Do be funny, entertaining and articulate. You really aren’t going to get anywhere without at least one, or preferably all three, of those things. If you don’t naturally have them, don’t make a blog. In fact, if you don’t have any of them attributes, I don’t even know why you’re alive. Just kill yourself. Unless you are pretty. In which case, you’re fine.

• Do use a fucking spell checker. I’m sure I have misspellings on my blog, but they’re few and far between. If every other word is spelt like you have learning difficulties, pretty soon people are going to get bored. And annoyed. But most importantly, bored.

So in conclusion, I have masterfully entertained you in MY BLOG, by talking to you about OTHER BLOGS.

Because, ultimately, I am a genius.