Smoking is Awesome!

Out of all things I’ve yet to experience in life, I just can’t wait to destroy my body with a cigarette. I can’t wait for the nicotine to seduce my brain and chain me up to an addiction I can never shed. I can’t for the tar to wrap its black hands around my lungs and starve me of the oxygen that, lets be honest, I don’t really need. But most importantly, I can’t wait for the pathetic addiction I have to stunt everything else I’m doing, so I can go outside and kill myself slowly.

The Story of George and Timmy

There’s a lot of anti-smoking propaganda going around these days which, to be honest, seems to put smoking in a really bad light. So I’m here to even things up, so you can make an educated decision about whether to start/continue to smoke. Lets work our way through the benefits, with the help of our friend, Smokey George. Hey Smokey!

“Hi, I'm George. And I smoke because it makes me look cooler than you. Firstly, there's the obvious stench I carry around with me everywhere I go. Mmmmm, burning chemicals. Secondly, smoking gives me wonderful Golden Teeth and terrible breath. All the girls appreciate this about me, and my dentist certainly doesn't complain. I'm also impotent and infertile (which, considering the impotence, isn’t really that big an issue to be honest...), but when I think about it, I don't really want the use of my penis anyway. I also have cancer of the lungs, which means I get to cough up blood all the time, which, as I'm sure you know, is about as fun as an eye infection. This has no real cost to me however, as this system of healthcare allows me just use use use and never pay. As you can see, smoking has also made my skin a lovely shade of grey/yellow, which I find highly attractive. Lastly, smoking enables me to systematically destroy the productivity of my firm by taking 5-minute breaks every half an hour.”

Hey Smokey who’s your friend?

“That’s Cancerous Timmy the Non Smoker. He’s 12. SAY HI TIMMY!

Timmy hasn’t spoken much since the cancer. His is far more developed than mine but luckily for me, I got into the hospital before Timmy did, and as my hospital doesn’t have the funding or the staff to treat us both adequately, chances are I’m gonna get saved and he’s just gonna die. Serves him right! I guess he should have been on the look out for the symptoms earlier! LOLz. No seriously, it is fair when you think about it, because I need to get back to a life of nothing and smoking, and little Timmy over there has only got his whole life ahead of him.”

What's the worst that can happen?...

There are 3 main diseases associated with smoking. Those are: lung cancer, chronic obstructive lung disease (bronchitis and emphysema) and coronary heart disease. Disabilitating, life threatening and about as much fun as prison rape, but really, what are the chances that you get any of that? Slim to none. You never get seriously sick. So chill. Light up a fag.

Where you can be. With just minimal effort...

If you haven't started smoking yet, what's stopping you? After all, who knows, in a few years you could like you’re hero:

Sure, he doesn’t look so good there, but looked who he pulled:

A SUPERMODEL! And you could pull one too. All by smoking, doing crack, and becoming a shitty rock star.

Keep smoking, and before you know it, its time to die anyway.


And remember, if I’m not pissing off at least one demographic, I’m not doing my job properly.