Kel’s guide to making a good horror movie

As I sat in the cinema, watching the abysmal movie that is 28 Weeks later, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of the young girl who was having her eyes gouged out by a crazy virus-infected zombie. If only I’d been so lucky. I wouldn’t say the movie is shit, but at one point I wanted to fly kick the person sitting in front of me, just for a little action.


And it got me thinking, making/surviving horror movies is a piece of piss.

Here’s my guide to a few of the essentials:

Always, ALWAYS, drop your gun

It’s common sense. Why would you want a gun when a crazed axe-wielding-zombie madman is following you, himself armed with a firearm? Who needs guns? Guns are for pussies. Real men fight with their fists. They drop there guns, and fight with there fists. They also die. Quickly. Always…drop…your gun.

If he looks dead, don’t check, he probably is dead

If you seem to have defeated a foe, NEVER, go back and check. It’s the worst move you could make. Instead, turn your back to him and leave his weapon on the floor next to him. A dead guy doesn’t need a weapon does he?

Split up at the first opportunity

If you’re all split up, the aliens/monsters/mass murderers get confused. They don’t know who to go for. While they’re standing around confused, take this opportunity to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH YOURSELVES. Wonder into empty rooms and scream out hello. Deliberately step on creaky floorboards. That kind of discreet shit you do on a normal basis.

If you see a suspicious room with chainsaws ‘n shit in it, don’t leave

Your best option is to stand around, looking all retarded. Pick up a couple tools, why not. Make sure you get your finger prints all over those bad boys.

If you have a chance to finally run away, don’t

Go back to save that fucking dickhead that got himself captured at the beginning of the movie. You know the one, arrogant guy, tall, goofy looking.


The comeback has just begun...stay tuned.