Little nuggets of Genius.

• Internet relationships are RETARDED. Take this scenario between “BadBoi27” “x_sexygurl_x”. Not many people know this, but the first person to spell Boy, “Boi”, was actually an illiterate retard. The word caught on, and now almost all children with that name are illiterate retards. The first person to use the name “SexyGurl”, who was known as “SexyGurl.1”, was actually a pre-op transsexual. These two sorry individuals met in a chatroom.

BadBoi27: So wasup?

x_sexygurl_x: nm you?

BadBoi27: nm

*5 minutes of uncomfortable silence*

BadBoi27: I been finkin, wud u go out wiv me?

x_sexygurl_x: Sure

BadBoi27: Kewl

*5 more minutes of uncomfortable silence*

BadBoi27: So wasup?

x_sexygurl_x: nm you?

BadBoi27: nm

And that my friends, is the extent of an Internet relationship. BadBoi is obviously a closet homosexual, because no straight man says “Kewl”, and sexygurl is grotesque, because she has been reduced to dating someone over the Internet.

• People who think their music tastes make them better than you are GAY

Gay and insecure. There are so many people like this. Everywhere you go. I used to get so pissed off. Man, maybe I wont be cool if I don’t listen to that music?

Bullshit. Bottom line is, you like what you like, there’s nothing you can do about it. This goes for everything in life. Just be who are you, and people will like you for you.

• Rap music be killin’ motherfuckers

It’s not bad parenting that kills the kids. It not idiotic people with no self-control. It’s not gun manufacturers who make millions off the illegal trade in hand weapons. It’s not the drug dealers and rapists roaming the streets free, because of an under funded, understaffed police force that is capable of killing innocent members of society whom they believe fit the stereotype of a “terrorist”. Rap music is destroying society as we know it. Influencing our extremely susceptible kids who, without the proper surveillance, are going around imitating their favourite rap stars, who subliminally implant the relevant messages so as to rewire 15 years of being taught “right” and “wrongs”, so they go and commit an act of violence in an attempt to rebel.

BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

Everybody’s got questions

Long intro:
I feel passionate about humanity. And when I see society asking questions, I feel it’s my duty to answer. Every day another question is posed. Every day a child wonders. Wonder no more children. Wonder no more...

Short intro:
Read stupid

Why am I so confused about life?

Long version:
Life really isn’t that confusing. The confusion lies within your mind. The aim of life is to reproduce. Anything else just intercepts. As humans, over thousands of years we have built up a system of existence where wants and more predominantly needs are addressed through the trade of one asset “Money” for another “Goods/Services”. Basics are needed with only the concept of reproduction in foresight. You need to eat, keep warm and breathe so that you are alive to copulate. Simple really...

Short version:
Put that iPod down, pick up a woman, and let the procreating begin.

Do I really have to go to college? I hate education.

Long version:
The truth is you don’t. The question should be “Why do I choose to go to college”. No matter who you are, where you live or what your parents are like ultimately you have complete choice over what it is you do with yourself. So why do you choose to go through education? It’s not the education itself that needs to be analysed here. It’s what comes of it. In society you have to eat to live. In order to eat you need to have something to give someone else that is in the position to give you what you need to eat. Thus you need money. Getting money isn’t easy. You need to give someone else something they need, and in turn they will give you money. What do you give this person? Something they desire. They demand labour. You have labour. Within society there are vast amounts of people just like you. According to the CIA, there are 295,734,134 Americans. Almost all of them need to work to survive, thus they offer their labour for wages. According to demand and supply analysis, the less supply of one commodity, the higher the price offered by someone who demands the commodity. What is the difference between a chunk of rock, and a chunk of gold? Supply and availability. There’s not as much gold available as there is rock. Rock is everywhere. Babies eat rocks all the time. Thus, one fine troy ounce of gold is priced at $621, and one fine troy ounce on rock is priced at...well nothing. Why are wage rates so low in China? Because China has a virtually inexhaustible supply of unskilled labour. There is of course the virtually non-existent labour laws that allow big firms to exploit the workforce and drastically lower average costs thereby expanding profit margins, but we don’t really concentrate on that bit.
So what does this all mean for you, your education, and employment? It all boils down to this:
The supply of educated labour is not nearly as abundant as that of unskilled labour. And so, the more educated you are, the higher demand for your skills there are. The higher demand for your skills, the more money you get. The more money you get, the more unnecessary goods/services are willing/able to consume. The more unnecessary goods/services you get, the happier you appear on the outside. The happier you appear, the better your parents feel. It makes them feel they did a good job. And as we know, everything is about them.

Or maybe you go college for the easy sex. Either one is good...

Short version:
You go college; be smart, get good job, buy shit you don’t need. Make mummy proud.

Why will I never understand boys/girls/sheep?

Long story:
You DO understand the opposite sex. But you don’t like it. So the question is: Why is the opposite sex the way it is? It’s not difficult to understand that a boy cheats on you. It’s difficult to understand why they did it, and what you do now. The opposite sex is no more confusing than any other feature of life. You either keep looking for someone that matches you perfectly, or you settle for the pile of shit that’s out there.

Short story:
He cheats on you because you’re ugly. Next time, don’t have such a sexy sister. And I believe sheep speak another language. That’s why there’s confusion there...


Why do I feel like the unluckiest person in the world?

Long version:
Isn’t it unfortunate how you have absolutely nothing to your name and so have to steal bread just to give your child something to eat? And you can’t afford healthcare so she is constantly sick. It breaks your heart to see her scream but what can you do? She’s crying all the time so you assume something is very wrong. You need help but nobody is there to help you. You curl up on a doorstep and clutch onto to your child so hard you hurt her sometimes, but you’re in fear. Maybe one day someone will snatch your baby away and do dreadful things to her. You wrap your arms around her a little tighter. And place your head back onto the pavement. Your husband is away in Iraq. Already armless but he refuses to come home. He wants to fight beside his men. He wants to protect your right to say whatever you want. He wants to protect his only child. He’s coming back soon. But he’ll be in a coffin.
Or maybe you’re this guy:


Oh wait, does none of that apply to you? I thought not. What’s the problem? College work too tough? Awww. Not enough money to fill the car with gas? Big, Fucking, Deal. Get over it.

Short version:
You don’t know how easy you’ve got it. So shut the fuck up.

If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around does it make a sound?

Long versions:
Obviously

Short version:
Retard

I had unprotected sex few days ago on a one night stand and now it stings when I pee. What’s wrong with me?

Long version:
It appears you are infected with something. CONGRATULATIONS! And welcome to the wonderful world of unprotected sex. You are now part of an exclusive club of around 65 million Americans. As a thank you for participating, there are a whole variety of prizes you are eligible to win. They include:

· Chancroid
· Chlamydia
· Crabs
· Gonorrhea
· Hepatitis
· Herpes
· HIV/AIDS
· Molluscum Contagiosum (Often confused with a popular Harry Potter spell. Boy is it disastrous when that happens...)
· Scabies – Mmmmm Scabies
· Syphilis
· Vaginitis/Trichomoniasis
· Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
· And many, many more.

How fun do they sound! Say hello to the AIDS virus for me!

Short version:
Next time, be less of a whore.


Congratulations on making it all the way through.


You are now one of a selected few that has ultimate knowledge of the universe. Use it wisely.