Where the hell have I been??

Nowhere really...I've been around. Quit Uni. Spent 3 months in Thailand. Working right now. Start at a new place tomorrow. I'm pretty sure it's going to be interesting...because i'm going to MAKE IT SO! Consider this my daily diary. A place to vent...

Cheers.

Damn...it's been a while huh? Too long some would say. Nearly a year now. Did ya miss me? I know u did. I've grown a lot. Well...maybe not a LOT....alright, I haven't grown AT ALL. But what i'm trying to say is...I guess i'm back...but in a different way. I'll tell you why...





I just read that book. Interesting read. It's basically about a guy who says yes to everything. And, although its well written, and quite funny...throughout the book I just couldn't help thinking..."I could do this better". So...well...I am. From today, i'm going to say yes to near enough everything I can. And it's gonna be fun. Cos i'm a genius...lets not forget that.

Kel’s guide to making a good horror movie

As I sat in the cinema, watching the abysmal movie that is 28 Weeks later, I couldn’t help but feel jealous of the young girl who was having her eyes gouged out by a crazy virus-infected zombie. If only I’d been so lucky. I wouldn’t say the movie is shit, but at one point I wanted to fly kick the person sitting in front of me, just for a little action.


And it got me thinking, making/surviving horror movies is a piece of piss.

Here’s my guide to a few of the essentials:

Always, ALWAYS, drop your gun

It’s common sense. Why would you want a gun when a crazed axe-wielding-zombie madman is following you, himself armed with a firearm? Who needs guns? Guns are for pussies. Real men fight with their fists. They drop there guns, and fight with there fists. They also die. Quickly. Always…drop…your gun.

If he looks dead, don’t check, he probably is dead

If you seem to have defeated a foe, NEVER, go back and check. It’s the worst move you could make. Instead, turn your back to him and leave his weapon on the floor next to him. A dead guy doesn’t need a weapon does he?

Split up at the first opportunity

If you’re all split up, the aliens/monsters/mass murderers get confused. They don’t know who to go for. While they’re standing around confused, take this opportunity to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WITH YOURSELVES. Wonder into empty rooms and scream out hello. Deliberately step on creaky floorboards. That kind of discreet shit you do on a normal basis.

If you see a suspicious room with chainsaws ‘n shit in it, don’t leave

Your best option is to stand around, looking all retarded. Pick up a couple tools, why not. Make sure you get your finger prints all over those bad boys.

If you have a chance to finally run away, don’t

Go back to save that fucking dickhead that got himself captured at the beginning of the movie. You know the one, arrogant guy, tall, goofy looking.


The comeback has just begun...stay tuned.

Little nuggets of Genius.

• Internet relationships are RETARDED. Take this scenario between “BadBoi27” “x_sexygurl_x”. Not many people know this, but the first person to spell Boy, “Boi”, was actually an illiterate retard. The word caught on, and now almost all children with that name are illiterate retards. The first person to use the name “SexyGurl”, who was known as “SexyGurl.1”, was actually a pre-op transsexual. These two sorry individuals met in a chatroom.

BadBoi27: So wasup?

x_sexygurl_x: nm you?

BadBoi27: nm

*5 minutes of uncomfortable silence*

BadBoi27: I been finkin, wud u go out wiv me?

x_sexygurl_x: Sure

BadBoi27: Kewl

*5 more minutes of uncomfortable silence*

BadBoi27: So wasup?

x_sexygurl_x: nm you?

BadBoi27: nm

And that my friends, is the extent of an Internet relationship. BadBoi is obviously a closet homosexual, because no straight man says “Kewl”, and sexygurl is grotesque, because she has been reduced to dating someone over the Internet.

• People who think their music tastes make them better than you are GAY

Gay and insecure. There are so many people like this. Everywhere you go. I used to get so pissed off. Man, maybe I wont be cool if I don’t listen to that music?

Bullshit. Bottom line is, you like what you like, there’s nothing you can do about it. This goes for everything in life. Just be who are you, and people will like you for you.

• Rap music be killin’ motherfuckers

It’s not bad parenting that kills the kids. It not idiotic people with no self-control. It’s not gun manufacturers who make millions off the illegal trade in hand weapons. It’s not the drug dealers and rapists roaming the streets free, because of an under funded, understaffed police force that is capable of killing innocent members of society whom they believe fit the stereotype of a “terrorist”. Rap music is destroying society as we know it. Influencing our extremely susceptible kids who, without the proper surveillance, are going around imitating their favourite rap stars, who subliminally implant the relevant messages so as to rewire 15 years of being taught “right” and “wrongs”, so they go and commit an act of violence in an attempt to rebel.

BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!

Everybody’s got questions

Long intro:
I feel passionate about humanity. And when I see society asking questions, I feel it’s my duty to answer. Every day another question is posed. Every day a child wonders. Wonder no more children. Wonder no more...

Short intro:
Read stupid

Why am I so confused about life?

Long version:
Life really isn’t that confusing. The confusion lies within your mind. The aim of life is to reproduce. Anything else just intercepts. As humans, over thousands of years we have built up a system of existence where wants and more predominantly needs are addressed through the trade of one asset “Money” for another “Goods/Services”. Basics are needed with only the concept of reproduction in foresight. You need to eat, keep warm and breathe so that you are alive to copulate. Simple really...

Short version:
Put that iPod down, pick up a woman, and let the procreating begin.

Do I really have to go to college? I hate education.

Long version:
The truth is you don’t. The question should be “Why do I choose to go to college”. No matter who you are, where you live or what your parents are like ultimately you have complete choice over what it is you do with yourself. So why do you choose to go through education? It’s not the education itself that needs to be analysed here. It’s what comes of it. In society you have to eat to live. In order to eat you need to have something to give someone else that is in the position to give you what you need to eat. Thus you need money. Getting money isn’t easy. You need to give someone else something they need, and in turn they will give you money. What do you give this person? Something they desire. They demand labour. You have labour. Within society there are vast amounts of people just like you. According to the CIA, there are 295,734,134 Americans. Almost all of them need to work to survive, thus they offer their labour for wages. According to demand and supply analysis, the less supply of one commodity, the higher the price offered by someone who demands the commodity. What is the difference between a chunk of rock, and a chunk of gold? Supply and availability. There’s not as much gold available as there is rock. Rock is everywhere. Babies eat rocks all the time. Thus, one fine troy ounce of gold is priced at $621, and one fine troy ounce on rock is priced at...well nothing. Why are wage rates so low in China? Because China has a virtually inexhaustible supply of unskilled labour. There is of course the virtually non-existent labour laws that allow big firms to exploit the workforce and drastically lower average costs thereby expanding profit margins, but we don’t really concentrate on that bit.
So what does this all mean for you, your education, and employment? It all boils down to this:
The supply of educated labour is not nearly as abundant as that of unskilled labour. And so, the more educated you are, the higher demand for your skills there are. The higher demand for your skills, the more money you get. The more money you get, the more unnecessary goods/services are willing/able to consume. The more unnecessary goods/services you get, the happier you appear on the outside. The happier you appear, the better your parents feel. It makes them feel they did a good job. And as we know, everything is about them.

Or maybe you go college for the easy sex. Either one is good...

Short version:
You go college; be smart, get good job, buy shit you don’t need. Make mummy proud.

Why will I never understand boys/girls/sheep?

Long story:
You DO understand the opposite sex. But you don’t like it. So the question is: Why is the opposite sex the way it is? It’s not difficult to understand that a boy cheats on you. It’s difficult to understand why they did it, and what you do now. The opposite sex is no more confusing than any other feature of life. You either keep looking for someone that matches you perfectly, or you settle for the pile of shit that’s out there.

Short story:
He cheats on you because you’re ugly. Next time, don’t have such a sexy sister. And I believe sheep speak another language. That’s why there’s confusion there...


Why do I feel like the unluckiest person in the world?

Long version:
Isn’t it unfortunate how you have absolutely nothing to your name and so have to steal bread just to give your child something to eat? And you can’t afford healthcare so she is constantly sick. It breaks your heart to see her scream but what can you do? She’s crying all the time so you assume something is very wrong. You need help but nobody is there to help you. You curl up on a doorstep and clutch onto to your child so hard you hurt her sometimes, but you’re in fear. Maybe one day someone will snatch your baby away and do dreadful things to her. You wrap your arms around her a little tighter. And place your head back onto the pavement. Your husband is away in Iraq. Already armless but he refuses to come home. He wants to fight beside his men. He wants to protect your right to say whatever you want. He wants to protect his only child. He’s coming back soon. But he’ll be in a coffin.
Or maybe you’re this guy:


Oh wait, does none of that apply to you? I thought not. What’s the problem? College work too tough? Awww. Not enough money to fill the car with gas? Big, Fucking, Deal. Get over it.

Short version:
You don’t know how easy you’ve got it. So shut the fuck up.

If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around does it make a sound?

Long versions:
Obviously

Short version:
Retard

I had unprotected sex few days ago on a one night stand and now it stings when I pee. What’s wrong with me?

Long version:
It appears you are infected with something. CONGRATULATIONS! And welcome to the wonderful world of unprotected sex. You are now part of an exclusive club of around 65 million Americans. As a thank you for participating, there are a whole variety of prizes you are eligible to win. They include:

· Chancroid
· Chlamydia
· Crabs
· Gonorrhea
· Hepatitis
· Herpes
· HIV/AIDS
· Molluscum Contagiosum (Often confused with a popular Harry Potter spell. Boy is it disastrous when that happens...)
· Scabies – Mmmmm Scabies
· Syphilis
· Vaginitis/Trichomoniasis
· Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
· And many, many more.

How fun do they sound! Say hello to the AIDS virus for me!

Short version:
Next time, be less of a whore.


Congratulations on making it all the way through.


You are now one of a selected few that has ultimate knowledge of the universe. Use it wisely.

Smoking is Awesome!

Out of all things I’ve yet to experience in life, I just can’t wait to destroy my body with a cigarette. I can’t wait for the nicotine to seduce my brain and chain me up to an addiction I can never shed. I can’t for the tar to wrap its black hands around my lungs and starve me of the oxygen that, lets be honest, I don’t really need. But most importantly, I can’t wait for the pathetic addiction I have to stunt everything else I’m doing, so I can go outside and kill myself slowly.

The Story of George and Timmy

There’s a lot of anti-smoking propaganda going around these days which, to be honest, seems to put smoking in a really bad light. So I’m here to even things up, so you can make an educated decision about whether to start/continue to smoke. Lets work our way through the benefits, with the help of our friend, Smokey George. Hey Smokey!

“Hi, I'm George. And I smoke because it makes me look cooler than you. Firstly, there's the obvious stench I carry around with me everywhere I go. Mmmmm, burning chemicals. Secondly, smoking gives me wonderful Golden Teeth and terrible breath. All the girls appreciate this about me, and my dentist certainly doesn't complain. I'm also impotent and infertile (which, considering the impotence, isn’t really that big an issue to be honest...), but when I think about it, I don't really want the use of my penis anyway. I also have cancer of the lungs, which means I get to cough up blood all the time, which, as I'm sure you know, is about as fun as an eye infection. This has no real cost to me however, as this system of healthcare allows me just use use use and never pay. As you can see, smoking has also made my skin a lovely shade of grey/yellow, which I find highly attractive. Lastly, smoking enables me to systematically destroy the productivity of my firm by taking 5-minute breaks every half an hour.”

Hey Smokey who’s your friend?

“That’s Cancerous Timmy the Non Smoker. He’s 12. SAY HI TIMMY!

Timmy hasn’t spoken much since the cancer. His is far more developed than mine but luckily for me, I got into the hospital before Timmy did, and as my hospital doesn’t have the funding or the staff to treat us both adequately, chances are I’m gonna get saved and he’s just gonna die. Serves him right! I guess he should have been on the look out for the symptoms earlier! LOLz. No seriously, it is fair when you think about it, because I need to get back to a life of nothing and smoking, and little Timmy over there has only got his whole life ahead of him.”

What's the worst that can happen?...

There are 3 main diseases associated with smoking. Those are: lung cancer, chronic obstructive lung disease (bronchitis and emphysema) and coronary heart disease. Disabilitating, life threatening and about as much fun as prison rape, but really, what are the chances that you get any of that? Slim to none. You never get seriously sick. So chill. Light up a fag.

Where you can be. With just minimal effort...

If you haven't started smoking yet, what's stopping you? After all, who knows, in a few years you could like you’re hero:

Sure, he doesn’t look so good there, but looked who he pulled:

A SUPERMODEL! And you could pull one too. All by smoking, doing crack, and becoming a shitty rock star.

Keep smoking, and before you know it, its time to die anyway.


And remember, if I’m not pissing off at least one demographic, I’m not doing my job properly.

Kel thinks. Learns a good lesson

I was thinking this morning. I was thinking about black people, and then I was thinking about black men, and I had the thought that if the media portrayed black men as huge evil rapists, I could see how a lot of people could be fooled. And then I got to thinking about the media, and the tabloids. And from then I started thinking about America’s media, and how they’re the most developed media in the world. And then I went back to thinking about deceptive media, and I thought of Nazi Germany. And how propaganda played a big part in moulding the minds of the people. And then I started thinking about the Holocaust, and how people just let it happen, and how it could never happen again. And then I had the thought maybe we are in it again? I mean, do you know what’s happening in Iraq? Not many people do. If the media tells us prisoners are being abused, that’s pretty much all we know. In 10 years time, will an 18 year old sit at his computer and write about the world, and how the people could have let Iraq happen. And then I had an amazing thought about how I could stop all of this. Stop Thinking.

I’m going to try it out. I’ll give you an update soon on how it’s going.

Ashamed to be British

I was reading the newspaper, when I came across an article about Rooney. The Soccer player. Who’s apparently injured, and is damaging England’s already shit chances at winning the world cup. And it got me thinking. It sucks to be British.

So Rooney hurt his ankle, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Somebody give that pussy a tissue.

And then I thought about it even more, and came to the conclusion: America rocks.

America rocks, because it epitomises everything about being great. And it all boils down to its people, who are great.

Case 1: Muhammad Ali

The greatest boxer of all time. But he’s my case example for one reason. On February 25th 1964, Muhammad Ali (known then as Cassius Clay) faced Sonny Liston for the world heavyweight title. In round 4, a substance from Listons eye got into Ali’s . By the start of round 5, Clay was facing the champion of the world almost completely blind. In the 7th round, Liston pussied out because of the ass whooping he was receiving. Despite being blinded for two rounds, and up against one of the most feared heavyweight champions on the planet, Ali laid down some beating and was crowned champion.

They fought again a year later. I think this picture just about sums up the fight:

Case 2: David Blaine

On September 5th, 2003, Blaine entered a plastic box, which was hoisted above the river Thames. He went on to spend the next 44 days with nothing but water to survive. What an awesome American.

During his stunt, the British public demonstrated what dick-heads they really are. Some of the wonderful things the public did included:

Tempting him to give up by teasing him with food.

Including one particular stunt where a well-known tabloid newspaper flew a burger up by his box.

Pelting him with eggs:

Along with throwing lemons, sausages, bacon, water bottles, beer cans, paint-filled balloons and golf balls. And one retarded individual even attempted to climb the scaffolding supporting the box to cut the power and water supply. He has since been imprisoned for being a prick.

I have never read one account of a protester going to such lengths at any of David Blaine’s US performed stunts. It has been suggested that this is because Americans kick-ass, and the UK is full of useless, drunk, benefit-reliant yobs with nothing better to do but pull shitty stunts like this and claim free healthcare, although this has never been verified.

Case 3: Football

Another reason why America rocks is Football.

American football is not a sport. It is a war. Take a look at an American football player:

Strong. Athletic. And suited for war.

Now lets take a look at a soccer player:

Ok, maybe that wasn’t the best picture. I mean, he reeks of masculinity in that. My bad.

Soccer sucks, because it has girls like Rooney playing.

Case 4: Celebrity/Celebrity Couples

Britain has celebrity couples like Chantelle and Preston.

One’s a shitty media whore with no talent, and the others’…a shitty media whore with no talent.

In America it’s different. You have celebrities like Brad and Angelina.

Who are just vomit-enducingly sexy.

Case 5: Politics

In America, you have a president that can joke around. A fun president.

Whilst in England, we have this wooden moron:

Who makes speeches without mistakes, is always presentable and is generally annoying.

And finally, America has REAL political scandals with attractive people:

Whereas in England, we get this:

So that concludes my blog. I hope my business teacher accepts this as gradable work, because I really should have being doing her homework.

Ah well. Until next time.

Bye.

Here at this blog, we support David Blaine's latest stunt, staying in an aquarium for 7 days, before attempting to break the record for longest time underwater without air:


If you support him too, please send me money so I can buy a plane ticket and go see him :)

Peace.

Agony Uncle returns

I don’t know whether you like my agony uncle blogs, so maybe I should get some feedback. Those of you who do like it, thank you, and those of you who don’t, can shut the hell up. I’m going to write them anyway. I really need to vent my thoughts when I get them, otherwise I’ll go crazy.

So here’s a letter and answer I saw for an agony page. When I read it, I was so angry I walked over to my TV and punched a hole right through it. My hand is bleeding all over my keyboard. My dads in the car waiting for me so he can take me to casualty, but I have to write this blog before I forget it. I’ll be quick…

Dear X,

My girlfriend left me for her gym instructor. I know she had great sex with him because I overheard other men in the changing room saying how well endowed he is.

Now she’s begging me to take her back as he’s dull and shallow. But how can I ever compare to him?

X’s Answer:

You already compare very favourable. She’s seen him in his true colours and he doesn’t match up to you.

It’s true some men have big penises but the measurement isn’t a guide to virility. Big isn’t the same as satisfaction and it looks like you’re the one capable of delivering what she wants.

NO NO NO FUCKING NO.

I don’t know who I’m more angry at. The dick-head who wrote the letter, or the moron who gave such a retarded reply to it. I’m gonna start with the guy.

Dear the guy,

YOU SHIT-FACED-NO-GOOD-LOW-SELF-ESTEEMED-MOTHERFUCKER.

Of course you shouldn’t take your girlfriend back. That’s a fucking no-brainer. Why you are even considering it is beyond logic. She cheated on you, left you for a guy with a bigger penis, and then comes back to you once she's bored. And like some dog, your gonna accept her back, and think “Ohh poor me, I can’t compare”. Boo-Hoo. Get some fucking balls, dump this chick, and go get another one. Man, do I really have to explain that kind of stuff to you? Honestly, it seems like common sense to me.

I’m guessing you have a slight retarded nature.

Dear X,

How the fuck did you get to your position??. It really baffles me how you get paid to deliver this shitness *throws the article onto the floor*. I mean, you actually say…(I’m gonna need to pick the article up to quote it…But I’m still angry!)…You already compare favourably. So the fuck what?!. She had to CHEAT ON HIM to find that out.

Personally, when I get a girl, Her thoughts will look like this:

OMFG, I never realised Kel was so amazing. He is probably the best boyfriend…No, the best PERSON I have ever met in my entire life. But my goodness, that gym instructor…Oh wait, I better not, Kel may be listening to my thoughts…
…YOUR DAMN RIGHT BITCH. *Kel stabs the bitch in the jaw with a kebab skewer* The fuck are you doing thinking about another man? You hoe…
OMG OMG OMG I’M SO SORRY! OWWWWWWW MY JAW
You better fucking be sorry. *Takes the skewer out of her jaw*
I AM! Allow me to show my apology by getting naked and cooking for you. I’m so so sorry master, I really am worth nothing.

Because, that’s how all relationships work…right?

The only way you are ever going to match up to this guy, is if you double the size of your penis and become a bastard.

Because at the end of the day, women don’t want nice, small endowed men. They want dick-heads that mistreat them, and have unnaturally large genitallia. It’s a fact of life.

So its up to boys like you (and indeed me. I am also a nice guy like this gentleman) to find the most stupid, shallow, immature, passive girls we can to control… I mean date…. It’s nature. That’s how things are meant to work.

And to the woman:

You dumbass. You stupid, stupid girl. I hope you caught a disease from this "gym instructor", and you die a slow, painful death, for the sake of your ex, any future boyfriends, and Mankind in general.

Obviously someone is yet to explain this to you, but that’s why I’m here!

I hope that not only the sender and receiver of that letter can learn something from this blog, but also you, The People.

Possibly one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard

You know when you’re hanging around with nitwits, and they keep making shit comments about things, like they know stuff. And you wana say something, but you bite your tongue because explaining it to the guy would be as easy as training a monkey to play Poker. I’m going to assume you know what I’m talking about…

We’ll, I’ve decided to create a section here where I’ll write out what needs to be said to this person. If you know any of these people, print out my answers and proceed to deliver them some knowledge, K.Man style. So here’s edition 1…

If I don’t wear a seatbelt, why should I get fined? It’s my life.

I’m gonna start off my reply to this with, “You stupid Fuckface”. So here goes:

You stupid Fuckface (I told you). Let me tell you why I think you should wear a seatbelt.
Lets assume your driving along, back from seeing your stupid ass girlfriend. On the way home, you’re checking out some dude on the pavement (because secretly you’re gay, and like a little man-love now and again. I make no judgments…) And because of this, you happen to crash, and fly through your windscreen. I’m guessing your saying “It’s my life AND my windscreen”. To that I would say “Shut the fuck up douche bag, I’m speaking”.

Sure, it’s YOUR life, and it’s YOUR windscreen. So far I have no problem. But lets progress…So you fly through the windscreen, and onto the pavement. Good. Serves your dumb ass right, for not being safety conscious. But still, I have no problem.

However, as soon as the ambulance arrives to scoop up your decapitated ass off the road, drive you into the hospital, and use up valuable man-hours trying to piece you back together, all at the expense of the tax payer, I HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM.

The fine is a deterrent, you dipshit. If you don’t wana get fined, put your seatbelt on. The NHS is a stretched service as it is. The last thing we need to be doing is encouraging unnecessary casualties. So take your vitamins. Say your prayers. And for the love of god, put on your seatbelts.

How was that for you? It was almost orgasmic for me.

The.K.Man. Delivering knowledge to the masses in such style, it should be illegal.

Or at least frowned upon…

The day I fell in (even more) love with Bush

I’ve always loved America, I didn’t always love Bush. I fell in love with Bush whilst watching Fahrenheit 9/11. At this exact point:





At that very exact time. With the music playing the in the background. Michael Moore’s stupid fat face speaking over the video (seen below in what is possibly the most terrible pose ever). I got chills. Bush was the most powerful man in the world. And he dealt with the news the same way I would have done. What else could he have done?

Take a look at what some Anti-Bush site said about that day:

What did the Commander in Chief do? Nothing. He sat there. He sat for well over 5 minutes, doing nothing while 3,000 people were dying and the attacks were still in progress.

Yeah of course. ‘Cos had that been any other president, they would have quicky ran into the nearest phone booth, changed into their suit, and stopped every person from dying that day. Stupid Bush and his non-superpower-self:

But after that, my interest died down a little. Bush was just the president. I was no longer infatuated with him. Until recently…

During a speech defending Rumsfeld he said this: (I know a lot of you don’t do Politics. I myself did one year of it, and so, am clearly qualified to translate.)

I say, I listen to all voices, but mine is the final decision. And Don Rumsfeld is doing a fine job.
Translation: All you bitches just talk. But what else do you do? That’s right. You don’t do shit. You make your little websites, with your little banners. Oh you don’t like Rumsfeld? Fucking get used to it. You have no voice asshole. Spend a little less time making badges, and a little more time becoming President of the United States of America. He's not only transforming the military, he's fighting a war on terror. He's helping us fight a war on terror. I have strong confidence in Don Rumsfeld. I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation. But I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defence. Translation: Motherfucker, I can do anything I want. And whatever I say is best. And I say The Donald stays exactly where he is. Don’t make me go military on yo’ ass…



Sure the president went to Iraq. He had no choice.

Personally, I’m not a real fan of Blair, but in regards to going to Iraq I say this: Nice one *Thumbs up*. Because at the end of the day, Iraq needed to be invaded by SOMEONE. And Bush started it simply because he has huge, Basketball sized Balls…Oh wait, that’s my phone….

That was Bush. He called to say he also has a huge penis. This big apparently:



He’s just boasting. I’ve seen it. It’s slightly smaller.

It makes me so angry when I see your sites protesting the war. And the way you’re changing millions of people’s opinions. And the way your making million$ from the badges. And the way your getting places.
...Oh wait, no your not
.

You toppled him? Of course you did.

The only thing that toppled Bush was his bike:

And that scooter thing.


And a pretzel…





But apart from that, He’s UNTOPPLEDABLE!

Shit, I’m not even American and I appreciate your president more than you. Fuck it. Your not worth the energy...

Oh wait, that’s Bush calling me again, he says its for you guys. *Hands you the phone*…



Haha. He rules.

And so do I for that matter.

Kel. The next President of the United States of America.

Most probably…


This blog is written in BLUE, because that is the Presidents most favouritest colour.

The ticket machine tried to fuck me.

Not in a literal sense. But there was definitely some sense of buggery going on. Allow me to explain.

I went to an office, with the intention of handing in a form. “Take a ticket” the sweet young lady said, “and then take a seat, and wait for your number to be called”.

Fixated by the beauty of the secretary, I took a ticket and lined up (which I wasn’t supposed to do…) waiting, without having glanced at my ticket. A minute later, the number 4 was called. Hmmm, I wonder what my number is?

I looked at my ticket. Why don’t you guess my number?

10?

20?

50?…

No. My number was 707.

That’s not a typo. My number was SEVEN HUNDRED AND SEVEN. Needless to say, I did not stand in line a wait. I had places to go.

I’ll pop back there in a week, and see if my number is ready to be called.

What the fuck…

…Are these?…

???

I’ll tell you what they are.

CROTCHLESS PANTIES.

That’s what they are. Or what I like to call, “I am worn by whores” Panties.

Are there really women out there that have so much sex, they feel the need to rid themselves of the act of taking their pants off?

I can just imagine customer feedback for this:

“I used to have so much trouble taking off my pants before intercourse it used to drive me crazy! That was before I bought the ‘Panties-for-whores-lingerie’. Now, I all do is get a guy back to my apartment, and before you know it, we’re going at it like rabbits. God forbid we take 5 seconds to get undressed. I’m gagging for it so much, I really can’t afford any time delay”
Carla – ISleepWithEveryManIMeet - Richardson.

Really girls? Really? Has it come to this? Please tell me it hasn’t. Restore my faith in the female gender and tell me no one buy’s these knickers.

Boys are easy, we all know that. It’s nothing to be proud of. But girls, you’re special. Keeping your legs shut is WHAT YOU DO. And honestly, most of you do it so well. I’m proud I really am.

It’s unfortunate, but you (girls) can’t be trusted. We (Superior men) gave you the right to wear decent clothing, and you throw it back in our faces, and leave the house dressed disgustingly:

It is because of this, I hereby denounce your right to wear whatever the hell you want in public. From now on, if you're outside, all I expect to see of you is this:

It's for your own good ladies...

Kel is positive for once

What’s the deal with blogs having to be negative? I’m going to spice things up a little, and bless you with a list of things I love to do. Here goes:

Speeding: There’s nothing I love more than driving above the legal limit. I don’t actually have a licence, so it’s all-the-more exciting. Whenever my parents leave, I just jump in the car and find my way to the nearest built-up area and burn some rubber. Maybe even knock down a few old people.

Doing nothing: Doing nothing is so sweet. Especially when I should be doing something. Exam-leave is almost orgasmic for me as I sit around doing fuck all. In 1998 I was gonna do something, and then I decided, what the heck, I’ll do nothing. I’ve been doing nothing ever since.

Having my headphones one notch too loud: You know that feeling when you put your headphones on, and they’re painfully too loud? Man I love that feeling. The best is when the headphones are already in, and the music starts playing, although putting the headphones in your ears with the music already playing is good too…

Catching my fingers in places: No specific written rules about “where” exactly my fingers are caught, but any type of sudden compression on my fingers is nice. Some of my favourites include; Drawers, Car doors and between a knife and a cutting board.

Dryness of the eye: You know that feeling when your eyes are suddenly stinging from dryness, and you have to close your eyes and move your eyeballs around to moisten them up? Yeah, I enjoy that. I try to keep my eyes still for as long as possible when I feel the dryness coming. My record is 3 days. Try and beat it. I dare you.

I tried thinking of more, but I can’t top Dryness of the eye.

:(

Still, this was fun. We should do it more often.

Dear,

The girls of msn/msn spaces/and the web in general. 99% of you make me physically sick. You really need to change your ways. There’s so much your doing wrong, it’s almost impossible for me to lay it all out for you, but I will try;

• Please, for the love of god, don’t put “Sexy” anywhere in your names. I can assure you, you are not sexy. Boys only tell you you are because it betters their chances of sleeping with you. Somebody should inform them you would give it up even with the smallest amount of attention from a boy.
• Don’t post pictures. Is that too much to ask? One time I was searching msn spaces with the word “sexy” (immature I know, but hey, I’m a man) and I swear to god, some of these women were so repulsive I vomited all over my keyboard. The first time I did it, I cleaned my keyboard up, but 10 seconds later I vomited all over it again. So I left it dirty, and kept topping it up every now and again with my regurgitated lunch. Thanks to you girls, most of my keys don’t work. I’m writing this by coping words from the Internet and pasting them in here. Are you happy now?
• Get some fucking hobbies. I swear to god if I read one more list of things a girl “lyks” or “h8s” I’m going to shoot a baby. Or a very small adult. Here are some of the genius likes/dislikes I’ve seen:

Likes:
-My bf. No shit? You LIKE your boyfriend? Here I am thinking people who go out hate each other’s guts
- Goin out wiv frends an havin a laff. I have no fucking idea what that says.
- Sleeping. You like sleeping? I don’t. Sometimes I slap myself in the face for hours at a time, just so I can stay awake. Sleep sucks.

Dislikes:

- School. Holy shit, you hate school? How fucking amazingly original of you
- Rude people. Oh really? Cos the rest of us just love people who piss us off
- Getting up early. Again, how fucking original. Is that seriously that big a dislike you chose to share it with the rest of the world?

I could go on; by frankly I fear I’ll headbutt my monitor if I read any more of this crap.

And another thing I hate is when girls have "Dn't B messagin me without a picture, I aint no hoe". Oh, so when people message you when they DO have a picture, your'e less of a hoe?
The fuck makes you think boys want to message your ugly ass anyway?

One of the funniest things I ever saw on a profile was some 15-year-old chatting shit about her baby. Then she was all “Don’t none of you haterz b messaging me telling me I’m a hoe, cos I aint no hoe”. Jesus Christ, I laughed so hard I nearly broke a rib.

For any girls out there who want to make a profile, but have been severely discouraged by this blog, I’ve made a template for you. Follow this design, and I guarantee your profile will kick so much ass it will be criminal.

Name: Your name. Please do not actually write “Your name”.
Likes: I do not like anything but Kel’s blog. http://kellius.blogspot.com/

Dislikes: Everything but Kel’s blog. www.everythingelseintheworld.com

Picture: Here’s where you would normally post a picture of yourself. If you’re any less of a 10 (See Kel’s guide to...Girl ratings below), do not put a picture up. I suggest you post a picture of me. Here’s one to copy:

Kel’s Guide to…Rating girls.

10 – This type of girl can’t be looked at directly. She’s like the Sun. That’s a good analogy, because she’s also amazingly hot. She’s not 93,000,000-Miles away though…

9 – She’s ok except for some minor detail

8- 3 – Nothing special. Gradually getting uglier

2 – She’d be ok if she shaved every now and again

1 – Jesus fucking Christ, that girls face is killing children

If you have any doubt about which number you are, post a picture of me just to be safe. Or you could send me a photo of yourself and i'll tell you. Preferably naked...*

For those of you with a brain, this blog entry is also available without the misspellings girls’ use, or what I like to call “Proper English”.

* Just kidding. Pease don't.

Seriously, don't do it.